i suddenly realise...

Tonight will be my last night sleeping on this bed, in this flat....

It feels a little different this time compared to last year coz i must've had more time to process this last year.. this time around it feels a bit sudden..

There's so many things I'm gonna miss about this room, this flat.. I really do like this room... ._.
I'm going to miss hearing the sounds of the saxophone that the guy in the opposite block occasionally plays.. i'm going to miss being in such a good location, so close to everything..

i've grown attached to this room..  i've enjoyed living with the people that i've lived with.. though i've never really bonded with them but it was still really nice..

good thing is that this flat is just nearby where i'll be staying in the future and i'll definitely have the opportunity to come around just to look at the flat next time :)

for now, it's time for bed.. not looking to repeat history..

home soon...

-llen-

that time of year..

this is the time of year when people start leaving..

the first step is getting exams outta the way (which time will take care of for you)
then comes the packing.. being horrified by the amount of clothes you have accumulated (i guess this only applies to girls :/ )..the amount of train tickets (coz over here a journey can produce 3 tickets minimum)..receipts, leaflets.. all that i PLANNED to keep but seeing as i just have too much stuff i had to dump it in the recycle bin..

the whole experience ALWAYS brings back the memory of when my cousin sister was telling me about how this would happen.. it has been a habit of mine to collect..stuff.. any stuff .. the habit never died.. but she did tell me that she used to collect a bunch of stuff too but there will come the time when you'll have to throw it ALL away..

anyways, packing!

i'm lucky enough to have friends who would let me store my stuff at theirs over the summer for free.. so off i went today to create a tower of my things.. i'm a little too ashamed to get a picture of it.. but i'll admit, dad was probably right when he said i had too much stuff *sigh*

now that i've taken my poster, calendar and random notices off the wall, the walls have just become so bare.. so cold..

there are less students walking around than usual, there are less sounds coming from around the accommodation block (though more sounds from my neighbour and her guy *cough cough*).. parents are coming up with their cars to take their kids (and their luggages) home

staying in an area where the population is mostly students has this effect i suppose.. the city just seems different come this time of year..

and then there's the goodbyes.. friends who you're not even sure if you'll ever see again coz the future is just so uncertain..

but once you get over all the shock, tiredness, sadness, it's always comforting to know that on the other side of the world, there are people counting down the days with you.. awaiting your arrival.. looking forward to seeing you. i'm truly blessed for those people in my life <3

so right now i'll just need to get through 6 days here.. not having much to do anymore.. and my main mission for now would be to clear the food i have *sigh* ... there's no losing weight at this rate...

-llen-

some things never fade..

In primary school, we weren't so high-tech yet..

Some of us had little address books and we wrote down our friends' birthdays and addresses, not so we could send letters or anything.. i guess it was just kinda fun to do that... and i guess it was also because when you get their phone number might as well just get the other details as well..

we sorta always knew each other's birthdays.. (or at least i did my best to remember my friends' birthdays..) not that i'm bitter or anything but my birthday was pretty often-forgotten ._. .. a few years it was on the first day of school..hehe.. not that it's a big deal and i'd want a bunch of people to remember but you know how you hope just THOSE few people would remember?

anyways.. the 9th of may is the birthday of 2 of my friends.. and we're not really close anymore unfortunately.. but the thing is, without the help of facebook i somehow manage to remember their birthdays every year.. i guess it helps to remember that mum's birthday is on the 10th.. but there are quite a few dates that are somehow stuck in my mind.. sometimes on that day i'd be wondering about something i'd forgotten to do.. then it strikes me that it's somebody's birthday...

moving onto secondary school, we were a biiiiit more high tech ;D .. so i guess relying on technology so much does have its consequences.. friends who are quite close to me, i didn't remember their birthdays so easily at first.. but i'm glad that i do now.. hehe..

i guess what i was thinking about was the way our minds retain information.. yea i know it's no new discovery but i still find it pretty interesting what a child's mind can soak up and keep... if i ever have a kid in future, i'm gonna bombard him/her with cool/interesting/useful  facts/languages/skills XD ..

-llen-

it's gonna be an anxious summer....

i mean it when i say this, i've never felt so not confident after an exam before... what makes it worse is the fact that i need to at least pass this paper or i won't get into 3rd year .. and also if i were to fail and need to retake the paper i'll have to fly back to the UK in august.. and i already bought my flight ticket which means changing the flight would cost me extra and also my holiday would be cut short... so ...yea.. this totally sucks... *sigh* and don't get me started on how disappointed the family would be..

on the bright side (yes, i'm telling myself there still is a bright side.....coz there always is one right?!?!?! .....gosh i sound delusional.....)
i have one paper left and it's not so soon so i have time to study for it... and home in 20 days :) 

so for now.. all i'm gonna do is think about the upcoming paper.....


-llen-

differences..

i wish everyone knew how to at least try to understand how we're all different, have different principles and tastes before questioning you about this and that and ..argh..i dunno.. maybe i should be the one who's more understanding?


if i can't wish for the world to be more understanding maybe i'm the one who just needs to adapt .. maybe i'm the one who should care less what people think about what i do and how i do things coz at the end of the day what's the point in pleasing the whole world only to feel sucky about yourself..


people often say they wanna find themselves as they grow up.. i want that too but it just seems like day by day i'm losing myself.. i just don't know what i want in life anymore.. some days everything just seems quite meaningless.. what's the point in pursuing an education abroad if you can't even get an internship abroad OR even at home.. what if at the end of the day after all that money is spent i can't find a job.. 


i used to feel like i was good at certain things but nowadays that's not true anymore.. everything i do is just mediocre at best and we all know mediocre won't get you anywhere.. 


i dunno if it's the weather that's got me so down that i've just unlocked the cupboard where all my negative thoughts are stored or it's just time to get some things out of my mind..


oh yea.. and what's up with people who are supposed to be your friends just talking you down all  the time thinking that they know you so well.. grr.. 


i'll admit it, i DO have an ego problem.. i do (i admit irrationally) tend to want to prove myself over things that people say and kinda hurt me.. someone would call that childish.. and make it out as though having an ego is so wrong and stupid.. sorry i'm not perfect i guess..


i dunno how i got to feel so angry and whiny.. i guess i'm just not happy with myself and i haven't been for a long time.. 

if there's something i've learned about myself it's that i hold on too much to the past most of the time.. i find it hard to let go of something especially if it resulted from my stupidity .. and i just don't want to give myself any more reasons to hate myself in the future.. 


-llen-

never thought..

you know how you sometimes here stories of people missing their flights and stuff...?
well.. never thought i would ever tell that story...

when it comes to catching booked transport i've always been punctual.. always told myself it's better being early than late...even if early meant about an hour before i was meant to be there..

The past 2 weeks have been a little hectic... i guess i'd been stretching myself a little too much recently.. coz yesterday after doing the laundry and vacuuming the floor and packing my stuff i felt so tired (and all this after a full day out).. i was thinking of not sleeping coz i was just so worried i'd miss the flight but i did sleep anyway coz i knew i had to get some rest..

so to my horror..

i got up at 6am today and my flight was at 7am..(i'd set my alarm at 3, 3.30, 4) i spent probably about a minute just staring at my phone not believing that it could be 6am.. but when i looked out the window, i got confirmation that it must've been 6am..

i quickly called a cab, got ready and left.. got to the airport..

but sadly check in was closed 15 minutes ago.

i just wish they weren't so strict coz obviously the plane was still there and all i needed was my boarding pass since i wasn't checking in baggage i could probably make it to the departure gate in time.. but who am i kidding, of course they're strict..

i must've been in shock for a while coz i just wandered around aimlessly for a while, not sure what to do next.. i was supposed to meet Vianni at my destination.. i was supposed to get there at 10.15am..

i called her but she was probably on her flight already..

i don't think i've ever felt so helpless.. it's always when things happen out of your own stupidity that leaves you so lost..

i gave mum a call and she wasn't too helpful at first... but i didn't break down then..

it was when she called back thinking of solutions that i just couldn't hold it in any longer and had to go to the loo to bawl my eyes out.. (tears are welling up in my eyes even as i type this)

i guess i never imagined myself in this situation.. nowadays i don't know what i've become.. an irresponsible, stupid person.. wasting money due to stupidity.. already there were problems with the currency and now this..

i must be such a disappointment.. to mum, to dad, to Vianni..

i do realise how whiny i sound.. i'll probably look back on this post and be dsgusted with myself..
but at this moment in time, i guess this memory will haunt me for life.. at this present moment, i'm just.. so disappointed with myself

i'm parking my ass here in the airport though my flight is not until 5.10pm.. i just hope this is the worst thing that could happen for this trip..

now i just need to find a way to kill time......

-llen-

siblingly love :3

My brother and I both left home for studies overseas at about the same time.. it was quite unexpected but things just turned out that way..

I've never been apart from my brother for very long though.. the longest time would probably be 7 months? We managed to meet up last year during our holidays.. And this time around, though rather last minute, bro decided to visit me since he had a week off :D

so there he is...lying on my bed while i''ll sleep on the floor again -.- ..

but i don't mind..coz him being here..well...there's something about family isn't there? you're completely transformed back into your silly self.. no walls, no masks..

and it feels good :)

-llen-